


Never More Than Five

by Charliedarlie23



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cutting, Dean kills himself, Post-Hell Dean Winchester, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:18:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7718050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charliedarlie23/pseuds/Charliedarlie23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 40 years of pain and screaming and blood in Hell, Dean becomes addicted. He itches for another fix and this is the only way to get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never More Than Five

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A SUICIDE!!! Read the tags. It may be hard to read, sorry about that.

Dean was in Hell for 40 years. 40 years of pain _and screaming_ **and blood.**  
When someone experiences something so traumatic like that, it’s common that they almost…miss it. They become addicted. Addicted to the pain _and screaming_ **and blood**.   
What if Dean became addicted? What if Dean missed it? He would need pain. Maybe that’s why he wants to go hunting so bad.  
He would need blood. Can you see him?

Telling Sam he wants to take a shower before bed. He walks in, shuts the door and locks it. He waits a few seconds before turning on the water. He takes out his wallet and places it on the counter. He removes his gun and knives. Finally, he takes off his clothes, folding them in a nice pile.   
He picks up his wallet and unfolds it, quickly removing the small blade from the folds. He can’t use his knife, Sam would notice he had to clean it off though he didn’t use it on the hunt.  
Dean holds the blade in his hand and takes a deep breath. He thinks.   
Can’t use the arm, Sammy would ask questions or want to bandage it. Can’t use the stomach Sammy would wonder why he suddenly sleeps with a shirt on. Thigh it is.   
He counts. He always counts.  
One. Two. Three.  
The blood is dripping faster, he’ll need to clean it up.   
Four. Five. Stop.  
Never more than five. Five gives enough blood to stop the itch but not enough to make him dizzzy. He carefully rinses off the blade and replaces it. He steps into the shower. It stings. Good.   
He goes about his normal routine, not washing his right thigh. He lets the water turn clear before getting out. He dries off quickly and gets dressed. He mops the blood off the floor. He opens the door. Sammy is in bed. He places everything back where it goes.   
He does it again the next day.   
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.   
He does it again, this time on his hip.  
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.   
He can’t do it this time, they don’t stop for a hotel. The itch is back.  
Sam wants Dean to stay up for the research on a case. He doesn’t have enough time.   
One. Two. Knock.  
Sam wants to know what’s taking so long. Dean laughs it off, says it must have been his hamburger at lunch.   
They burn the bones, Sam goes straight to bed. Finally, he stops the itch.   
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.   
Wait. There was a rule. What was it? ~~Never more than five~~.  
Seven….or six? He lost count. It doesn’t matter.   
Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven.  
He’s running out of room. He can’t see through the tears.   
No, he’s not crying. Why can’t he see straight? The razor falls against the tile floor. Clink.  
Dean leans back against the wall. Knock. Knock.  
“Dean? You’re using up the hot water man. Dean?”  
Dean blinks. He didn’t hear the shower. Did he turn it on? Yes. He always does.  
Dean looks at his legs. When did he get on the floor? There’s a lot of blood. More than normal. Did he hit one of those things? What are they called? ~~Arteries~~.  
Knock. Knock. Thump. Thump. Thump.   
“Dean!” Sam.  
Why is he yelling? Why is the knob turning?  
He picked the lock.  
“Oh my god…Dean! Can you me?”   
Of course, Sammy, you’re screaming so loud.   
“Dean!”  
Why did you turn off the light? Its getting dark, Sam.   
“Oh god. Cas! Help, please! Dean, look at me!”  
I’m looking Sam. You’ve gotten so big. You’re bigger than me now, huh? You’re taller than Cas too. Cas.  
He’s there. He’s not supposed to be _there_. They are not supposed to be _**there**_. _**Here!**_  
Cas will see what he has done. Sam will judge him. They don’t understand. The itch. It comes back. It won’t come back this time.  
_Sam screams_. **Cas collapses.** Dean dies.  
**_It’s over_**.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly meant this to be a headcanon then it did that. Sorry the ending kind of sucked.


End file.
